at certain moments
I can hardly tolerate it
this starving wretched childlike bridge I have built
just to reach you
the dreadful sensation
of utter alienation
inside my own skin
this clammy flesh sweating and shaking
beneath the temporal mask of what I am not
of what I never was
(yes, the one you prefer)
it is a strange thing to know that as our synapses are connecting
in some bleak future they are ripping apart as we speak
the shiny promises stolen away
by petty concerns and exasperated sighs
glossy smiles that fade without an audience to look brave for
like a fleeting specter in your peripheral vision
when you turn away
I am myself
as we lie
the lie becomes
we were kissing our hellos
with joy blissfully spread like grape jelly
across our deluded faces
while in the distance we were slamming doors
(loud and heavy for the full effect)
cursing the fateful day our lips met
as trust lay bleeding in the shifting sands
cruelly betrayed
at long last
what is here now has already come to pass
and, nodding, we understand how it ends
as it always does
20 September 2005